I wasn’t ready to completely give up myself. I love my kids. I like being home with them, but I honestly believed that I would be able to find the time and resources to keep a piece of me alive until they went to school. I thought I would be able to continue to grow as a person even with my two little guys in tow. I was mistaken.

The price I pay for being a stay-at-home mom is that I am the time and I am the resources and that’s the end of the line. I have to put most of my interests and even most of the little things (like eating foods I like or going to the bathroom in peace) aside. There are too many kid meals to plan, too much laundry to be done, too many boo-boos, too many sibling fights and just plain too many people to take care of for there to be any thing left.

I got a flier in the mail the other day offering half price gym memberships at the gym just up the street from us. A little light bulb went off. Here’s something I could do to gain (and lose) some of me. It had never been affordable before, because since I’m staying home, we have a pretty strict budget. I only had Emmett that afternoon, so he and I packed up to get some more information. It all sounded wonderful. There was a sign-up fee that wasn’t included in the monthly fee, but Andy had some side computer worked lined up, so we decided we could cover it. The gym has a small child care room, so I figured we were all set, and I was all kinds of excited. Wow! A couple hours to myself every few days to work-out and listen to MY music and even the chance to take a shower without the door opening and constant flow of boy traffic while I wash my face.

Today was payday, so the boys and I went back to the gym to pay the membership fee and get started. I signed all the necessary paperwork, gave them credit card, signed and then went to take the boys into the child care room. I was greeted by a nice girl who asked me for the boys’ card. What? She explained that cards were available at the front desk for $25 to watch the boys. It would be $5 an hour. While that’s a cheap babysitting rate, it more than doubled the cost of a gym membership for me.  This was a little detail that the gentleman who sold me the membership had failed to mention.

I stood there in a room full of toddlers, dumbfounded. The sweet girl who was babysitting told me she would watch the boys while I went and straightened it out.  I stepped outside to call Andy and watched the old energetic, thinner, happier me who was able to complete a thought and who was filled with patience just kind of float off over the horizon.

Andy told to go in and ask for my money back, which I knew I was going to have to do. I just wanted to hear him say it.

Needless to say my morning ruined my day. Between that and having a huge, gas sucking truck that’s falling apart keeping me and the boys stuck in the house, or at least only a few miles from it, I think of the little flame that was left flickering of Jane (not Mom) has been extinguished. I’m going to be one of those women who get called “mother” by their husbands when they’re 70. Fuck.

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Well, we had an unexpected visitor wander up during our yard sale today. One extremely fluffy, orange kitty. My guess is that he’s a juvenile Maine Coon. He’s got huge feet and a long face. He’s obviously somebody’s baby. He’s well groomed and is wearing a collar with a rabies tag. We got an answering service for the vets office that issued the tag. It’s from a town about 30 minutes away and the lady who answered said they could look up the tag for us when the office re-opens on Tuesday. In the mean time, we have a house guest. We’ve set up Orange Kitty in the office with his own food, water, and litter box. Our thought was that this would disturb the other animals in the house as little as possible. Of course, my fat cats are too lazy to be bothered by the intruder. they sniffed him and hissed once when he came in the front door, then they were off to their respective napping spots. Anyway, here he is….his tag says he’s from Williamston, NC. Please, drop us a line if you know him.

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Grocery shopping for me has always been fairly fun. I love to cook, I enjoy looking for deals, and I get great pride from feeding my boys good food. The joy has faded over the past few months to the point that my most recent trip to the store resulted in a knot in my stomach. The cost of food had skyrocketed so much in the last couple months that I’m really not sure how we’re going to keep up. Keep in mind here, I’m not talking about extras and junk food. I buy my kids 100% juice with no sugar added and as much fruit as possible. We cut a few corners with some quick to prepare “kid food” things, but not too much. It’s the price of basic pantry items that is killing us. Junk food and processed crap is cheap as ever. How is this a choice? No, I’m not going to compromise and let my kids drink food dye and sugar. No, I won’t feed them frozen pizzas for dinner every night that only cost a dollar. If they get that kind of crap, it’s as a treat because it’s mom’s night off. I buy organic when it’s reasonably priced, just because I’m sure the kids get enough chemicals in their systems from so many other sources.

Anyway, so this is more truth than editorial…..I used to be able to feed our family fairly well for about $500 a month. That cost has gone up about $25 a week in the past 3 months. My most recent trip to Wal-Mart for things like apples, chicken breasts, cereal etc….was $178! Considering that we don’t do many “extras” like chips or cookies and other junk, that amazes me. I have to choose between a week of breakfasts for $3 (Pop Tarts *junk*) or paying over $20 to stock up on fruit and whole grain waffles. I can only imagine what people of even lesser means are faced with choosing. Junk food is so easy and so tempting and so cheap. No wonder we have an obesity epidemic in this country. If you don’t believe me, the cereal isle of your local grocery store is a perfect example. All the high sugar “crap” cereals are on sale or already priced cheaply, but look at the lower sugar “healthy” cereals. They’re close to $5 a box.

I understand that in some countries children survive on much less than we do here and turn out OK……but we don’t live there. We live in the United States, the only country fucked up enough to have both a childhood obesity epidemic and children starving to death all on the same block. The government can offer tax refund band-aids, but they certainly won’t cover the gaping wound that is our economy right now. When the cost of living rises this quickly, how can employers keep up? I’ll give you a hint, they don’t. The rate that our grocery bill and other costs have risen, but not our income paint a very clear picture to me. We are in a recession. I only hope it will stop there and it will be a little bump on my family’s path.

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I don’t make much, just little bits of extra income here and there. Honestly, though, it’s the little things that matter. Sure, I’d love to be able to earn enough to buy a new camera, or a new TV, or even a new car, but I don’t. The little things are great, though. My husband and I get to go out tonight and I get to pay for it. We’ve got the sitters all lined up for the boys and Andy I get to go to dinner and college hockey game. We get to have several hours to reflect on life, to be together, and to finish a thought train. You take all of those things for granted when you’re just getting started, but once you have kids, they get more and more important. So far, my marriage has stayed strong. I think it has a lot to do with our friendship above all else. Still, every conversation or parent strategy session is plagued with kids pulling on us or interrupting. The more Andy and I can take care of ourselves and our relationship, the better mom and dad we can be. I’m looking so forward to tonight. Much thanks to all the grandparents that are making it possible.

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I haven’t talked much about it, but we had a little scare with Emmett over the last couple of weeks. He had an extremely swollen lymph node on the left side of his neck with no discernible cause. We treated it with a course of antibiotics to no avail, so we headed back to the doctor Wednesday. Our amazing pediatrician started him on a stronger course of antibiotics and ordered a few blood tests. Thankfully, the blood tests just came back all normal. There won’t be any biopsy necessary. It seems he just has an infection that’s hard to knock out and it hasn’t made him feel that bad.

I can’t begin to say the thoughts I’ve had over the last few weeks. I’m just glad that I won’t have to think about my baby being “sick” anymore. It was rather consuming.

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