I wasn’t ready to completely give up myself. I love my kids. I like being home with them, but I honestly believed that I would be able to find the time and resources to keep a piece of me alive until they went to school. I thought I would be able to continue to grow as a person even with my two little guys in tow. I was mistaken.
The price I pay for being a stay-at-home mom is that I am the time and I am the resources and that’s the end of the line. I have to put most of my interests and even most of the little things (like eating foods I like or going to the bathroom in peace) aside. There are too many kid meals to plan, too much laundry to be done, too many boo-boos, too many sibling fights and just plain too many people to take care of for there to be any thing left.
I got a flier in the mail the other day offering half price gym memberships at the gym just up the street from us. A little light bulb went off. Here’s something I could do to gain (and lose) some of me. It had never been affordable before, because since I’m staying home, we have a pretty strict budget. I only had Emmett that afternoon, so he and I packed up to get some more information. It all sounded wonderful. There was a sign-up fee that wasn’t included in the monthly fee, but Andy had some side computer worked lined up, so we decided we could cover it. The gym has a small child care room, so I figured we were all set, and I was all kinds of excited. Wow! A couple hours to myself every few days to work-out and listen to MY music and even the chance to take a shower without the door opening and constant flow of boy traffic while I wash my face.
Today was payday, so the boys and I went back to the gym to pay the membership fee and get started. I signed all the necessary paperwork, gave them credit card, signed and then went to take the boys into the child care room. I was greeted by a nice girl who asked me for the boys’ card. What? She explained that cards were available at the front desk for $25 to watch the boys. It would be $5 an hour. While that’s a cheap babysitting rate, it more than doubled the cost of a gym membership for me. This was a little detail that the gentleman who sold me the membership had failed to mention.
I stood there in a room full of toddlers, dumbfounded. The sweet girl who was babysitting told me she would watch the boys while I went and straightened it out. I stepped outside to call Andy and watched the old energetic, thinner, happier me who was able to complete a thought and who was filled with patience just kind of float off over the horizon.
Andy told to go in and ask for my money back, which I knew I was going to have to do. I just wanted to hear him say it.
Needless to say my morning ruined my day. Between that and having a huge, gas sucking truck that’s falling apart keeping me and the boys stuck in the house, or at least only a few miles from it, I think of the little flame that was left flickering of Jane (not Mom) has been extinguished. I’m going to be one of those women who get called “mother” by their husbands when they’re 70. Fuck.
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